Things that cannot be said out loud....

Somewhat Damaged

2011-03-06T00:57:00.001-08:00

the last few months of introspection have left me feeling industrial and ugly inside. I am no closer to finding something of warmth to latch onto, instead I am left to reconcile the exact same numb demeanor I have been cultivating for a few years now. Oh well fuck it, I have a wealth of unexpressed rage to fall back on.

Another space to occupy...

2010-08-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

today begins the arduous task to putting things in boxes to be taken to a whole new place...it is amazing how 4 miles across a cityscape can change the scope of one's whole day...In one week I will be in back in that same place I was before, except this time it looks completely different to me...I like what they've done with the place in my absence...

Yesterday while working I had the distinct pleasure of meeting one of the most vapid and horrible girls I have ever come across in my widely traveled life...she was utterly disgusting and beneath contempt...I'm fairly certain she was raised by a family of Hollywood vampires as she was preternaturally gorgeous and completely devoid of intelligence or a soul...by the time she left I was in awe of her as an object of disgust...thank you wretched bitch, you made me realize how nice it is to not know anyone like you....

on to more pleasant things...the next 3 months promise to be some of the best yet...so many good shows, new dwellings, old friends visiting, going home for 2 weeks, and the oncoming fall...

fuck yes.

This is for someone who has no idea who they are...

2010-08-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Got you. You're mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone."
-Bret Easton Ellis

This is the sexiest fucking thing I have ever read.

somehow things always work themselves out....

2010-05-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

there are those days where you wake up with a sense of sheer excitement that borders urgency...those days where absolutely anything and everything seem completely possible and that the world holds so much more than the day before....I woke up with that feeling today....I haven't had that feeling in a very long time and I will spend the rest of the day giving my gratitude to whomever/whatever brought this breeze back into my sphere....

today I love things....
today I love the city....
today I love the sun...
today I love you most of all....

You've got no right

2010-03-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people's actions don't make much sense to me. Today for example, I received something in the post that I wasn't expecting. You decided after nearly a year to reach out to me, I thought you had concretely left me that day last April, but it was clear that on this beautiful March day nothing was leaving, something entirely different was arriving. I recognized your handwriting instantly. I sat down on the stairs leading to my front door and opened the well taped envelope to discover a birthday card for me. Inside of it was the slightest admission of what little guilt I think you are capable of feeling along with several tasteless jokes at my expense that I'm almost certain you thought would be charming. Accompanying this flippantly insulting card was a gift card to my former favorite restaurant for my birthday this year. I'm sure somewhere in your head you thought it was a kind gesture, maybe even an olive branch of sorts, but somewhere between intention and execution something went incredibly wrong.

This gesture and its contents seemed to be making light of the last year of my life and the events that led up to me becoming the man that I am now faced with being. In the first words from you in a year, since you left me on my living room floor and exposed bundle of nerves and sadness, you decided to not say you were sorry at all and to make jokes. Bold move for someone who knows damn well what they did left someone else's life in ruins. I will not respond this this little gift, I will not use that card, and I will not let the anger that now fuels my heart leave anytime soon.

You can have your gift card back you selfish shit, I want no part of your guilt ridden words, and besides, it will take a hell of a lot more than a gift card for me to buy back the man you stole.

Fuck you.
Today you fucked up.
Tomorrow I won't let you.

the questions that are answered through action

2010-02-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

so it has been a while since I have written here and there was a good reason for this. I wanted to take some time to settle into my new/old life back in Denver before really putting it out there how things are going. I am a seriously lucky man to live with two of the greatest people I could possibly know in life, both are beyond kind and generous, and I am so grateful to call them my friends. Were it not for their individual lights in my life, I would be a basket case right now. The last month has been what could be termed as crucial. I have come back here to find the answers to questions that I didn't even realize that I had, and yet, here they were. I came. I got. I am grateful.

I will make it through what is happening and what is coming. I have to. I have no other choice.

-d

Lets Party for the Apocalypse

2009-12-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

I am tired of the news and all this end of times shit...so below is my response to Fox News and their ilk:

They say annihilation might not just be good, it might be the best, a way of failing us for flunking the big test, should the sun stop shining in objection or maybe we will lose oxygen's affection, which way exactly isn't clear, so we should all drink up and fuck because the end is near, just keep screaming for more while I grind you into the floor, let the roof cave in, it won't keep me from celebrating the turning point of all men, when the clouds come down for their revenge, don't get mad, just open your lungs and let them in, the earth and moon won't hold hands anymore, now the tides won't have to keep making nice with the terrestrial shores, because that lunar bitch has finally been granted her divorce, when the time comes I'll jump into the rabid surf with my middle finger pointed at the sky, a little act of defiance will be the last thing I do before I die.

November spawned a monster

2009-12-23T13:16:00.001-08:00

I write you here from my calmly snug bed while a snow storm broadcasts its anger outside my window...I have traded the mild wet air of the deepest south for the frigid crispness of the Rocky Mountains...being back in these city limits has shown me that with the relative ease you can slide right back inside of a place you had previously deserted...the buildings remain the same, the sky is still bright, but there is a different look in my eyes...

I'm going to go tromp around in the snow for a bit and imagine that I am every bit as cold as the flakes settling on my eyelashes...

I hope there is someone who will take care of me

2009-12-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

One of the people I hold dearest in life is currently trying to navigate through that horrible middle place between love and letting go...listening to her cry on the phone is almost too much for my newly re-opened ears to hear....the sounds of her sobs reach their cruel hands into the back of my skull and pull forward memories of that same pain...that feeling that you have been cut open and everything that made you who you are was torn from your pleading body and in its place is left a cavern of sadness for the sounds of your pleas to echo in...I know exactly how she feels and it kills me that I cannot do a fucking thing for her other than to just tell her..".it will pass, right now you fucking want to die, but i promise, it will pass someday, don't let it take you down"....hearing her plaintive voice crumbling under the weight of the sobs escaping from her throat frightens me so much....I wish I could give her back the breath she can't catch, I wish I could fill that cold side of her bed with an accepting warmth, I wish I could make her legs strong for when she has to walk away, and I wish I could give her back the amazing woman a breaking heart is stealing from her...I remember so distinctly how that felt, I remember the feeling that I had been made deaf and blind and that I would never be able to sing or cry at something beautiful again...but now it feels like a memory and not something I am living, so that means I did it, I fucking survived and I am going to make sure she does the exact same....

its the gap inbetween that gets you

2009-12-01T22:24:00.000-08:00

when you are waiting for news, be it good or bad, the gap in between finding out its coming and its arrival is the worst time...it feels like what I would imagine being stuck at a sea during a violent hurricane must feel like, you just have to survive until its over, and whether you are rescued or not, you at least have to make it through the storm...right now I am that boat in the storm, battered by waves of fear that spill over my sturdy but shaken bow...tosses around in the swells only to ride up again on the crests of helplessness that peak before the plunge down into the dark below....I hate not being able to get face to face with this storm and call it out...bring the wind, rain, or whatever else you think you need to take me...you had better come at me with all your might, because you will never take me alive...I just keep telling myself, you can make it through the night despite the oncoming storm and all its might....

Remembering that I have strength is often something I am forgetful in doing...I have written myself a note that I put on my headboard right above my pillow that says "don't be a pussy"....it might seem a little tactless to write a profane statement like that, but the time for niceties is over and done....if that news comes back bad then I must straighten my metal spine, lift my head up, and march my ass right into the fray....I will need all my strength and ego to make sure that constant brick wall that has surrounded me my whole life doesn't fall...

you hear that sickness, if you want him you have to get through me first and if you show up at our door, be fucking ready, because I'm armed to the teeth and ready for a war....

sometimes it just is what it is

2009-11-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

Pages are turning in the order they should for me lately. Things have fallen into place and it is nice to finally enjoy feeling the breathe escape my lungs because now it is lighter and without the weight of uncertainty that was present before. I have traveled miles and miles across myself since last I traveled those familiar streets and while I will recognize them, I doubt they will be able to do the same. They might feel the old presence of my jangly too quick stride as I move quickly across them to escape the frost gripping my face, but the steps will be supporting a lighter being. I hope those streets and I can get to know each other again, I feel like we have had enough distance between us that we can be a little easier on each other this time around.

I will ring in the new year nestled high up in the mountains with a dear old friend who will know just what to do when I get there. She always, just, knows....

Don't you try to shoot at the sky....

2009-10-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

"Dennis always knew how to haul ass"....this phrase was used by a friend of mine to describe me today. The conversation leading up to this was one of my current-future plans for my life. After letting the next few steps unfold in verbal form, I was met with a look of complete and genuine surprise. He literally sat there in total shock that I was not headed off to some far off destination to begin anew and just discard the life I once knew. After pulling himself together enough to make a statement he simply said, "wow, you really are a different guy now aren't you?", and when queried by his girlfriend why he was so shocked at my not moving somewhere thousands of miles away, thats when he made the declaration "Dennis always knew how to haul ass". While I can see how he could make this statement and have it be a factual one, hearing it out loud absolutely crushed me in a way that I was wholly unprepared for. I literally felt like someone had kicked me in the chest and snatched the air from my pleading lungs. Sensing that his statement might have had more of an impact that he was meaning, my friend quickly followed with "but he has been all around the world, how cool is that?"...it was an appreciated and valiant attempt at making me feel better, but the weight of that statement still pushed down on me like a whole other person sitting on my shoulders.

After ending our little rendevous with promises of catching up again "real soon", I got in my truck and drove all the way to the gulf of mexico in the rain really taking stock of the things in my life that I had truly "hauled ass" from. And much to my chagrin, there were more things than I'd like to admit. There were sad situations, sad hearts, drugs, bad directions, lack of inspiration, friends, family, etc...all very different and seemingly non-connected things with nothing in common other than the fact, that at one point in my life, I decided they weren't worth it any more to me, so I turned my back on them, and hauled ass away from them as fast as possible. Now, some of these things needed to be walked away from and in all fairness, I do not feel wrong for doing so, however, there are others that deserved more from me. Maybe I could have been a little bolder, maybe my words could have been a little more open, or maybe I could have been a little more patient with the situation.

So, to the things that I needed to get away from, fuck you, I'm glad you are no longer part of my world, but to those things I wronged by my leaving them behind, I have a message for you. If at anytime for the rest of my life you happen to fall back in with the likes of me, I give you my most sincere promise that I will give you the effort and attention that should have been afforded you in the first place. And tonight, where ever you may be, I hope this reaches you somehow, somewhere, and somewhen.

Give me a chance, I promise I'm a much different man now....or so I'm told.

something vague

2009-10-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

I for one am glad that the leaves are finally changing and the temperature is dropping, although it seems to be reversed to me...back when the leaves were their greenest, the temperature its hottest, and everything was as alive as it could be; I was somewhere a million miles away in a vacuum of life...those first 6 months spent agonizing and worrying were a complete waste of such a wonderful time of beauty and leisure, but now that the shroud of pain has finally lifted and I am ready for the hot beauty of those months; I am awarded the dying of trees and the dropping of the temperature...but I really think I am grateful for this...it seems to be a metaphor for life in the sense that sometimes what is present in your life is the exact opposite of what you want and what you expect, but it is important to realize that this is always a possibility so you don't get your teeth knocked out by loss when these things occur...so let the leaves fall where they please and my nose if ready to be nibbled on Mr. Frost, and as for you Life, you threw me a curve ball this year, but what you didn't expect me to do was knock it out of the park.

I now know I can handle the seasons of my life.

I never met him, but I'll never forget him...

2009-10-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

In my short life I have been incredibly lucky to be able to travel a good bit. For most the favorite part of going somewhere different is the attraction of new architecture, a strange new dialect, or possibly even the chance to see an exotic landscape that would seem to them to be an alien world, but for me, the best part of traveling is the number of hours I get to spend in the various airports that facilitate my travels. My favorite thing to do in said airports is to pick out certain passers by and try to imagine what it would be like to be in love with them. Does she jerk her legs as she falls asleep? Is he a morning person? Will she like the love notes I secretly leave her in her brief case? Will he be surprised when I propose?

Now I know this isn't a particularly fruitful endeavor, it is however endlessly fascinating to me. I have lived so many lives in my head while trying to get comfortable on the relentlessly uncomfortable vinyl chairs that seem to be the standard in both domestic and international airport seating. Not once have I ever approached these imaginary mates of mine lest I ruin some part of the world that I have created inside my head and I would be devastated to find out that she doesn't actually eat granola in the morning or that he does indeed not like Bernese Mountain Dogs as much as I do. Even though I have not ever communicated with any of these lucky recipients of an imaginary life with me, I am beyond eternally grateful to them for helping me live life in a place where it just seems to be put on pause. Whether I was about to cross those dark and frantic Transatlantic miles or if I was simply flying to St. Louis for the day for a business meeting, I cannot imagine taking to the sky without having lived a lifetime before being in the air.

I know even if any of my previous loves are out there and by some random chance read this they would never even know who they were to me. How important they were to my day. Or just how grateful I am for them unknowingly giving something of themselves for helping me to keep my mind imagining love in all its forms and for most importantly helping me to fill those hours spent most alone.....

to all of you.
I love you.

We shall see....

2009-10-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

In a few hours I am boarding a plane to re-visit a former life of mine...there are many purposes for this trip; evaluation, confrontation, and hopefully some semblance of acceptance in the way things have turned out. There is a lot riding on this trip, as it will determine what the next course of action will be for me, that being said, I am not pressuring myself to feel one way or another about it right now as I have given my gut free reign over my mind as soon as my feet touch the ground. I have never been one to really listen to my "gut instinct", but in retrospect, it has always been there and most importantly, it has always been right. I will now be giving it the attention and respect it has been thus far denied. I'm sure many events will be telling over the next week and I am even more sure that what they will tell me will surprise me more than the wildest things my imagination could cook up regarding this place. I feel like I am in the middle of a book, now I have to decide whether it is time to turn the page to the next chapter or just shut the cover and move on to a new book altogether. Not an easy situation to be in but an absolutely necessary one none the less.

Maybe I will breathe that chilly air and remember the electricity I felt there for a short time, a time when I finally stood up for myself and was free, or maybe I will smell the mountains and cry for all the things they remind me of losing. For air that is so thin, it is pretty amazing the amount of heaviness it can contain. I wonder if that weight is still there?

I'll let you know when I find out.

sweet.
dreams.

Sweetness Follows

2009-09-24T23:58:00.001-07:00

Lately I have taken to not looking people in the eyes when talking to them and I have no idea why. It has randomly dawned on me in conversations with various people that have various levels of importance to me that for some unknown reason I have all but stopped looking into their eyes while speaking to them and even upon noticing my negligence I still refuse to lock eyes. This might not seem like a very disturbing trend to most, but to me, this is something very serious as I have always made it a point to look others in the eye when speaking to them. To me, it denotes respect and a show that you and our current interaction are holding my complete attention and I have often frowned upon others who did not engage in that practice themselves when in conversation with me. Now I am the culprit. What is it that has me so unwilling to show my eyes? I wish I knew as I would love to work that little thing out, whatever it may be, because whether I speak to you once in my lifetime or once a day, these are the eyes I want you to remember when you remember me.

maybe I am just not too trusting of myself and just what my eyes might say right now.

Time to Pretend

2009-09-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

"I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw in the prime of my life..."

No truer words have been spoken...I am incredibly lucky to have been able to remove myself from the equation of things over the last month and a half, while boring it may have been at times, it has helped immeasurably to clear my mind of all the doubts and chemicals that seem to plague me in times where I need to just have some faith in myself and in my heart...

its sort of like playing hide and seek with your analytical self, I've been counting and now its time to find it again....

my brother is getting married next weekend and I will be front and center crying like a little girl...I could not be happier for any two people...

today is your birthday...I almost emailed to wish you a happy one and then realized that I simply do not have that right anymore...one day the sting from those random realizations will have to simplify itself into a slight throb in my chest...then again, all the simple things have always been simply too complicated for my life...

good night.

bring something to the table

2009-09-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

Give me seas of sand and saltiness, give me skies of cloud free emptiness, give me an earth that would refuse its turn just to stay and witness, give me a moon that will loosen its grip on the tides, and give me a sandman who will readily skip a night.

It seems that I really am asking a lot from tonight in the sense that I feel like right now, it will take a lot to really knock me over. I wouldn't mind some lightning and thunder, maybe the sky could fall in just to try to make me wonder....

I'm restless and it is raining...I think I know what I must do.

welcome back saturn, its been a while.

2009-08-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

The other day I was visiting a very dear and trusted friend when in the middle of a seemingly innocuous conversation about how we both have a genuine dislike for iced tea and how it is a cause of stress for us when people call into question our southern heritage because of it when she stopped mid-sentence. She sat totally motionless for what seemed like minutes and was only roused when I splashed water in her face after repeated verbal attempts to rouse her, I know it was rude to do, but fuck, I had to make sure she wasn't having a stroke or something. She looked at me through her soaking wet hair and said as matter of factly as possible, "I know why your life has been in such upheaval this year". Well, I will confess to being a bit taken a back by this startling and slightly fucking bizarre revelation but I pressed her for more info. She then informed me that I was coming out of my first Saturn Return period of my life. I stare blankly at her. She looks at me as if to be waiting for me to become awash with relief and for that lightbulb of understanding to appear above my head, but alas, all she got was an empty stare and a "huh bruh?". See, my friend is very much into the metaphysical world, I mean like INTO it...crystals, cards, the whole nine. Now, I will say that my recent conversion to what could loosely be described as a buddhist-type-spiritual person has opened my mind quite a bit to these sorts of matters, but as it stands I am horribly uneducated about them. I simply know that everynight I meditate and try to converse with the universe, and given my simple view points the term "Saturn Return" was a bit over my head.

I asked her to please elaborate on what the fuck she was talking about. What ensued was literally a verbatim description of my life over the last 3 years and almost on the money the way that I feel right now about myself and where my life is headed in general. I was pretty fucking floored by it actually. It seems that since late 2007 I have been experiencing the "death" of my youthful life and the awakening of what could loosely be termed my "adult" existence. This time period is marked with very sudden changes in life regarding career, relationships, attitude towards things, and physicality. Seeing as how that is a basic diagram of my life over the last few years I decided to do some independant investigation on this subject matter and low and behold, this shit is fucking freaky how closely it parallels what has been flowing through my life. Once every 29.5 years Saturn returns to the exact position it was in the moment you were born and with its return brings a period of growth and unrest. It is described as a time to let yourself be yourself and free yourself from ideas and practices that have held you back from leading the life you want. Now without getting all Oprah book of the month club about this shit, I will say that I have done some substantial reading on it and I am taking this shit seriously. All the texts I have read said that at 30 your life completley changes and so do you. Bingo.

So with that being said, I welcome you back into my house Saturn with open arms and eager eyes. I guess I needed my ass kicked to realize that I am good with where I'm going and that I am capable of even more than I previously thought. I've always wondered what Saturn's rings were made of, in my reading I found out that the are composed of bits of ice, but I don't buy that at all. After learning all I have about Saturn and his infrequent yet powerful visits into one's life, I think those rings are made up of the remains of everyone's youthful dreams, there to just forever circle the planet that took them and put them exactly where they needed to be, on display, to look upon in awe and remember fondly....at a safe distance somewhere out in orbit.

welcome.
home.

Agaetis Byrjun

2009-08-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

the foot work is being done...the troops are all lined up...the time has come for the front lines to take back the hill....

today I was listening in on a conversation at a local coffee house between two middle aged women who seemed to be discussing their respective new boyfriends...I wasn't paying that close attention until I heard one these pumas say a phrase that I have never understood...and I quote, "don't take what he said literally, you have to read between the lines"....now I know that while this is a true statement as in life you do have to read between the lines of what a lot of people say, I just do not understand why people speak in such a manner that there is something between said lines...I just want to sit down with that subtext and plead with it to realize it's own worth, you are significant, there is no need to hide, it is safe to come outside...I cannot imagine having to hide sandwiched between two immovable boulders of solidarity against my will and then having so much blame placed on me when convenient...such a precarious situation to be in...after the woman made this comment the other just nodded and said, "I guess you are right, he is not really that open of a guy"....so sad...she will spend the rest of her time with him hoping she is translating the invisible things between those lines correctly....I decided after this it was time to take my leave of that place and these women...I silently wished that poor creature the best of luck and walked out of there in a rapid fire pace....I hope that bitch finds her voice one day....

insomnia seems to be a side effect of starting the wheels rolling towards my future....its fucking annoying, but it is offering me the luxury of catching up on long overdue documentary watching, new music listening, and new reading....

its nice to be hiding away before setting back out...and its nice to be sitting here right now in near tears of appreciation for an icelandic song being sung in an imaginary language called "hopelandic".....

night.

Easy Lucky Free

2009-08-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

It is always such a weird sensation packing up and leaving a place that you have carved out a niche for yourself, both in the past and in the present...when life demands a different momentum from you action must be taken...I'm not entirely certain what velocity my life is taking on at the moment but I do know that forward is the only direction I am going in, while it is too hard to discard the life I once knew, I will not be repeating past mistakes nor will I be re-treading old ground with the same calloused feet...I might going back to familiar soil, but I will hear a completely different story when I put my ear to the ground and my eyes will be ready and eager...I feel like when you go back and re-read old books you always get something new from them, maybe because you are a different person when you go back to them, who knows, but that is the sense I am taking with me as I hit the road...

thank you for not letting me lose my mind over the last 4 months
thank you for the different person I am leaving as
thank you for the same person I have kept in me as I go
thank you for that little voice that reminded me of much
and thank you to every light that I have come to know here.

a well drink

2009-07-26T21:20:00.001-07:00

When I first moved to Baton Rouge, sometime around the middle of 1998, I would frequently go out and drink underage with my close friends. It was also around this time that I had come out of the closet to my family, so needless to say I was sort of a wreck of a guy at the time. As I recall, there was loads of drinking, lots of flirting, and a ton of being too self conscious to do anything with anyone really. My friends being a bit more "advanced" than I was decided that they were going to indoctrinate me with the "ins" and "outs" as it were of being an openly gay man. And much to my dismay, this included multiple trips to the local gay dance club and as anyone who knows me well can attest, I hate techno music almost as much as I hate gay dance clubs. I simply do not feel the need to segregate myself from the rest of the population in order to be surrounded by "my own kind" in the hopes that I would meet someone to have a relationship with. I am a firm believer in the phrase "when its meant to happen, it will happen" and I for surely did not need the aid of a predominantly gay establishment to help me speed along this process. However, in the spirit of binge drinking and true friendship, I reluctantly gave in countless times to the pleas of "c'mon D, lets just go for a drink, who knows, you might meet the punk rocker of your dreams"...needless to say, that never happened, although I did meet some interesting characters. One such character we came to call "976-EVIL".

Now, I'm certain this man had a given name, but it was never and will never be known to me, and all the same, I really don't care as I haven't laid eyes on this person for the better part of a decade. But my one personal encounter with him has forever changed the way I view one of my closest friends and well liquor. Its a random night out at the gay dance club and being around the age of 19, I was hammered beyond belief and doing my best to look like I was 21. I am leaning against the bar pretending to be as unapproachable as possible in order to stave off the yearning glances I was receiving from a very creepy stalker-ish guy across the bar. This stalker and I had already had multiple run ins already which included me turning down his MULTIPLE advances and him telling me that I was "so pretty, I would just put you in a box under my bed just so I could pull you out and look at you whenver I wanted". So, on this night I was looking really aggro and trying to keep that creepy fucker away from me as I was pretty sure that he had already hatched a plan that involved sacrificing me to his Sun God, when the DJ announced that it was last call time at the bar. A wonderful sense of relief washes over me in an awesome way when I realize that I am within half an hour of being in my bed, ALONE. Then it hits me that not only will I be in bed alone, I will be in bed not nearly drunk enough to sleep through the loud sex my roommate is about to have with some cop he is picking up at the bar. That is simply unacceptable to me so, for the next 15 minutes I proceed to power drink in a way that might make a celebrity rehaber jealous.

Now that I am beyond completely shit hammered, the lights to the club come on announcing that this night is indeed over and that it is time to head to your respective places or at the very least, to someone's respective place. As I am preparing to go find my friends who have been gyrating the night away on the dance floor to multiple Cher remixes, I am approaced by a guy who my friends and I had dubbed "976-EVIL". He had this moniker due to the persistant rumor that when he purchased his cell phone, he requested for that to be his number. Classic goth wannbe type shit, so not only did we immediatley hate him for being a poser, we named him "976-EVIL". He proceedes to try and saunter over to me, but in his overly large Hot Topic platfrom boots, it looked more like he was trying to walk off a charlie horse. After clumsily making his way across the emptying dance floor he looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Are you ready to go?". I gave a quick response of "what the fuck are you talking about?", to which he replied "well, your friend over there told me that if I bought him a drink that you would go home with me". Following the loser's point across the bar I look over to see my friend Russell holding up what apprears to be a half drunk screwdriver, pointing at the drink, and laughing hysterically. I had indeed just been sold to someone for a drink by one of my dearest friends.

While drunkely trying to recover from the shock of actually having been bartered away for a drink to a person that I found to be disgusting on so much more than a purely physical level, I was able to utter the phrase "get the fuck away from me you goth wannabe motherfucker". Luckily for me, "976-EVIL" wasn't the type to get into an altercation easily and after one more statement of personal disgust towards him on my part, he hobbled his half laced goth booted ass out of the bar. Now off the hook, it was time to turn my attention to the friend who had so blatantly sold me out. I storm over to Russ who is now finishing said drink and ask him the expected question of "what the fuck were you thinking?"...to which he responded in typical Russ fashion. "Calm down bitch, I was just trying to get you some dick, and I was broke, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone". Now, to a normal and eithical human being this argument wouldn't exactly hold water but to Russ, it was the soundest logic to have ever been laid on human ears. I knew there was no point in arguing this with him so I made the decision to forgive him and move on with my night. It was after reaching this point and walking to the car that the icing was put on top of the cake. Russ turns, looks me square in the face and says "HAHA, I sold you for a drink...a WELL screwdriver at that...HAHAHA". And there it was. The ugliest truth of all. I had actually been sold for well liquor. After further questioning I discovered that he didn't even attempt to get premium liquor because he thought that would be "asking for too much".

This story has lived with me for years, just as Russ's friendship has, and for years now, we have told this story to countless people who have howled in laughter just we do everytime we tell it. We have had our ups and downs as people in each other's lives, as most close friends do. That being said, he has always been there for me when I have ever needed anything. He took me in during a time of heartbreak, he helped me adjust to a whole new city, and most of all, he kept me laughing during some of the darkest hours of my life. We live far away from each other now and I don't get to see him as often as I'd like, but all I have to do is have a well screwdriver, have a laugh to myself, and its like he is sitting there, laughing with me.

intense

2009-07-13T20:20:00.001-07:00

there are surreal moments in your life when the totally unexpected happens...last night I had one of those moments...separated by two windows I extended my hand in a wave to say that there isn't any anger here...there is only hope, respect, and love, for you and for me...I hope the next time we encounter each other we will be extending our hands to each other in friendship...maybe one day we can share some whiskey, shoot some pool, and talk about life, I'm sure there would be a lot to tell each other.....

I miss you friend.
you take care.

goodnight.
-d

The legions of repair

2009-07-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

today whilst driving home from a stellar visit to my parent's house I stopped to get some gas and grab a slash...while inside the gas station I inquired as to the price of the alligator head bottle opener, the rather burly woman behind the counter who I'm certain wrestles the creatures in question for fun replied, "shugar, i don't have no idea how much that thing is"...after recovering from her blatant and appalling use of a double negative I literally burst into the most uncontrollable laughter directly to her face....I was literally crying I was laughing so hard at this poor wrong turn in evolution and her really rather charming vocalizations...after realizing how this might have been considered an insult I offered to purchase the intriguingly indigenous object, which I later discovered to have the words "breaux bridge" burned into the bottom, again she astounded me with the reply she presented..."honey, i have no god damned idea how much it is, so just give me 5 dollars and we'll be squared away"....I gleefully presented her with 5 dollars and a smile that was broadcasting something that could be considered a step beyond utter joy, turned and left her poor little podunk gas station....

I cannot remember laughing that hard in a long ass time...thank you backwards lady from the sticks....you made my motherfucking day.....

that laughter repaired something broken...

the view from the top

2009-07-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last week perched atop a plateau of sorts...there is calm, strength, and acceptance here...after the seemingly never ending turmoil of the last few months this is a most welcome reprieve and I am taking full advantage of it...amongst the things in my view are a wide open space in which to roam and explore and also a line on the horizon that is once again visible to me...now that I have taken my head out of the sand there is so much more to feel...the last few weeks have been spent outdoors for the most part, re-acquainting myself with the natural has left me with one hectic sunburn and one distinct sense of forward motion... I missed the sunshine and the trees...I feel like I belong back in the water, and from what I'm told, being a pisces, this is a very true feeling...

"There was a time I couldn't see myself growing older
But then I went for a walk when I came
back I was so much taller
Maybe try to find something that I could be part of
But I decided to leave, and then I crossed the river
I went coast to coast, and from star to star
But that's how you learn, who you really are"

thank you Plateau for helping me release the hurt, the past, and for the future embrace...

a message to you

2009-06-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

“All men have the stars,” he answered, “but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all the stars are silent. You–you alone–will have the stars as no one else has them–In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You — only you — will have stars that can laugh!”

a gift for someone far away....

in the simplest way

2009-06-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

There are days like today when you are just fucking tired of saying, "yea, i'm doing ok" and "oh yea, things have gotten better lately", when you just want to look at them and say "well, quite frankly, if you must know, I woke up today feeling like my fucking heart was being pulled through my god damned throat and then thrown against a brick wall at 90 miles an hour".....it is wholy amazing to me at just how much one person can come to mean to you and I find it equally amazing at just how much that one person can change your life when they leave it....

I'm not afraid to say it, today, I fucking missed you more than anything in my life...today, I listened to that lucinda williams song on repeat and cried like a fucking infant because I remebered being in your kitchen the first time you played it to me...today, I realized, just how much I wish nothing for you but happiness and how that happiness will never include me....today, I fucking realized that there is still a giant chunk of my god damned heart several states from me and there is not a single fucking thing I can do about it except to just hurt and be a miserable motherfucker....

I know I am a better person for knowing you, loving you, and for going through all this shit, and I couldn't have been a luckier motherfucker for having known someone as golden, but right now, I want my heart to just stop feeling....

Rae was right....I am being kicked in the fucking teeth by loss.....and fucking Peter Gabriel and his god damned "in your eyes" keeps popping up to just really take it home for me...

In the simplest way possible, I would like to say, fuck today.

Little Rock

2009-06-22T22:45:00.001-07:00

There is a pretty house in Little Rock
on the middle of a hill
Where our life together would have gone
from make believe to real
the only thing we ever agreed on
was that I would do the painting
if you just mowed the lawn
I pictured our children climbing the trees
and you teaching them to ride their bikes
on that quiet Little Rock street

In those daydreams my heart opened wide
my face broadcasted the proudest smile
When you stopped loving me you took it all
the sky came down and with it
my dreams began to fall
There was nothing there to save
there was nothing there in the first place
I spent those last months
silently drifting through
trying and defeating days

You said I wanted a lot from love
How could I want too much?
When I wanted was you and me
in a pretty house on a quiet
Little Rock street.

This is something old with a little bit of you mixed in...this used to be about my ideal life with someone I used to know...now its just about the ideals that I have let go.

I still want someone to tell me a happy ending story....

turn the page

2009-06-22T19:16:00.001-07:00

I just broke down in tears watching Jon and Kate from Jon and Kate plus 8 announce their separation....

I still have a long way to go....

time to flip the switch

2009-06-21T23:13:00.000-07:00

I spent nearly 4 hours on a bridge today. With no where to escape to and with nothing other than my CD collection to distract me, I pulled my car into the emergency lane, rolled down my windows, and layed on the hood of my car in the middle of the Atchafalaya Basin...I put in The Cure's Disintegration CD and just sweated out the last few days...While blarring "Pictures of You" at a rather healthy volume, I heard someone yelling at me, when I sat up and really listened I realized that it was a girl hanging out of a Dodge Durango singing at the top of her lungs along with the song...she continued to hang out of the window singing until I had lost sight of her...I do not know this girl, but I will never forget her....in a singular moment she reminded me of something I had let slip through my fingers....

I'm through trying to re-capture my best and former glories...what I have now is pretty fucking good...and its time I stop thinking of life in terms of has gone by and start to consider it in terms of what has yet to go by....

let it come down

2009-06-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

after an evening awash in red wine, lasagna, and brilliant company I am in my bed enjoying the cool hum of the air conditioner....the last week seems to have been trying for most everyone I know, myself included...I will not get into particulars regarding each of our respective stresses, but I will say that sometimes things we had long thought gone show up to say "hello, remember me?"....not entirely a bad thing, but the universe seems to have a way of plopping these things down in front of one without much warning...I find that approach to be a bit on the inconsiderate side....

last night an old friend called from half a world away...we talked about things that mattered little in the grand scheme of things, but one comment he made seemed to resonate a little something in the cavern of my chest...whilst discussing his upcoming wedding, I inquired about his ex that I knew back in the day and as to the reason why they are no longer together...his answer was simple and poignant..."Dennis, she was amazing, everything everyone would want, she was just everything perfect at a time I needed imperfection, and I think I did us both a favor by knowing it was time to turn the page"....now, as much as I truly love my friend, he is a man of few words, and even fewer of these words are as heartfelt and insightful as this, and I was blown away by just how precise and honest he was....it seems that pretty much everyone I know is turning their own pages in a way....there is a streak of people around me, myself included, who found what they considered to be that golden soul, and yet the page has been turned either by us or for us....I hope everyone I know finds themselves immersed in a book where they are able to make to the last page, and then love it so much, they just read the whole thing over and over and over again.....

there are big changes coming for me soon....I'm going to a new place, setting up in a new space, and looking at life with the same old face (just with a few new wrinkles)......

I've heard it say that you can never come home again and while I find that to be an honest statement as home is never the same as you left it, I think one can come home, to heal, to renew, to remember, and I think that can make your old home seems brand spanking new and one full of possibilities....

if you are reading this right now, I wish you the most peaceful night of sleep you have known in years...I'm hoping for this myself as last night the girl in the tower visited me for the first time in years....still pleads with me screaming the same mission "we fill the holes they left behind"....I think for the first time since she began coming to me, I know who "they" are....

good.night.

a happy ending story

2009-06-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

If I could give one thing to you
If I could think of one thing to do
I would leave you with this to get through

I would erase everything from before
and leave you with a happy ending story
I would lay you down on the floor
whisper in your ear a happy ending story

If I had one hour left in the world
I'd take off my armor
lay down my sword
leave this place raw
as raw as the the I was born

I would leave you with hope
for something so much more
I would leave you with my love
and a happy ending story.

this is an embryo...it is part of something much bigger that I am trying hard to finish....i just wanted to put it in its infancy form out there...to just get it out of my brain for a bit...

we'll crucify the insincere tonight

2009-06-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

there is a feeling that accompanies a certain kind of change...its that kind where you just know with every fiber of your being that there is something on the horizon that you neither expect nor are equipped to properly understand, but it is something that the wheels have been set in motion for...I feel like I am entering one of those shifts in the last few days...with all the inbetween days of the last few months melting into something more concrete there is a palpable sense of the impending...it is not one of those things that is even able to be questioned, all you can really do with it is accept its arrival and wave goodbye to the departure of things you knew already...my eager eyes are ready for those new colors to shift into my field of vision...its sort of like building a house, the slab and frame are in place, and now, something is building up the walls that will make it a home...I need to buy a welcome mat...

it is one of those indescribable moments of your life, where the impossible is possible, and all you have to do is believe in yourself as you have believed in everything and everyone else....

after one hectic sleepless night last night I am now more aware of what a formidable opponent ones memory is...why is it that it insists on being heard at the most inopportune times?....the fugue state between awake and sleep is such fertile ground for things that you don't want to face making you stand up to them, nose to nose, and stare them down...I'm sure it has its purpose somewhere in the grand scheme of things, but I would really liked to have had a peaceful nights sleep where I was not reminded of the more recent events that had placed me where I am...if you show up at my bedside tonight, you had better be armed to the teeth and ready for war...you will never take me alive....

im going to sleep now.
tonight.
tonight.

under the covers

2009-06-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

tonight I spent most of the evening laying on the floor in my bedroom with my god daughter watching movies on Netflix....we just laid there and laughed at independent film and being that she is only 2 1/2 yrs old, this was fucking hilarious to me....I woke up this morning not feeling too great about the day at hand, but here was that little one ready for cookies and indie film watching...then she sang "itsy bitsy spider" to me and gave me a good night kiss...

moments like that make me so insanely grateful...all your smiles are the ties that bind the holes in my soul....

the perfect end to a day almost lost to a miserable bourbon hangover and thoughts of things gone away...

i hit that quill tonight.

now i'm hitting the hay.

night.

lay your cards down

2009-06-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

just keep your hands on the table and your eyes locked into mine, don't make any sudden moves and we'll be just fine, keep em held high and sit on them as long as you want, I've got nothing but time....

it has always been the random things in life that seem to explain the most...when you re-connect with people after years away from each others respective spheres of influence it is always one of the most interesting exercises to re-hash just where and what you have been since the last time you heard each others voices...and more often than not, it gives you a greater appreciation for who they are and for the person you have become in that time across the divide...these situations seem to be swirling around me lately, and it is fucking awesome...

last night I had a charming encounter with a drunk friend who was exuding the most joyful excitement for karaoke that I have ever seen...after a lovely performance of a song from Moulin Rouge she decided it was time to pack it in for the night...I had barely been there half an hour, but to say that it was the perfect night cap might be the understatement of the century....

I am halfway through my academic essays for where I hope to be a year from now...and in the middle of this the songs have returned...which is a massive relief as I thought I had let those muscles atrophy beyond repair...so silly of me to shame my tongue so fat with promise all along....

I wrote a song yesterday about the last 6 months...I have called it "continental drift" and it involves a mandolin...something entirely unexpected...

welcome
back.

what is your malfunction?

2009-06-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

so, here it is, 7:30 am...and I am awake...why? might you ask....well, apparently it is common practice for Jehovah's Witnesses to minister to people in their homes at this seemingly early part of the day...don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly support any sort of spiritual endeavor that gives others a sense of belonging and joy in their lives, I DO NOT however support them being thrust upon me at 7:30 am after you have very enthusiastically knocked on my front door for 10 min...one would think after the first 5 min of non-response that it would be time to abandon the pursuit of ministry at this particular home...well, not the little go getter that I just had the distinct pleasure of sending away on her errands...her name was "Cindy, and do you know where you are going when you die?"...after responding with what I thought to be a highly logical and common answer of "in an over priced carrying case and then I suppose into the dirt", I was very quickly informed that I would indeed be buried as I had described, but that it was the intangible that has this little soldier concerned...seeing the zeal almost streaming from her rather large buggish eyes I knew it was time for the big guns were she not to back down with a simple and civil refusal of her services...I politely told her "thank you for your concern, but I have all of that in place...", of course she pressed on. Now, at this point I have become distinctly aware of just how little sleep I have had and the very human emotion of disdain has taken me over and is now being directed to this noble sheep in front of me...coming to terms with the fact that she is indeed not going to take no for an answer I looked at her and said "Ma'am, if you must know, there is a man sleeping naked in my bed right now, and I'm probably still far too drunk on the whiskey I drank all night last night to be even having this discussion with you right now, so if there will be nothing else, I would like to get back to the drink on my night stand and slab of beef in my bed". Well, that was all it took. After being on the recieving end of one of the most horrified looks I have ever seen and an almost lightspeed quick "I'm praying for your soul", she was down the walkway and on to the next spiritual battlefield, and of course there is no man in my bed, and no drink on my nightstand, but that shit worked like a charm.

Now I am going to attempt to return to the slumber that I was so rudely awakened from.

have a great day.
ya'll.

you are only coming through it in waves

2009-06-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

there have been moments over the last few months where literally willing myself to get up and not stay in bed all day were almost insurmountable...i feel that the tides are moving back out finally...people coming back into my life and new ones firmly planting themselves in it have re-awakened my desire to be upright...their presence has helped me to learn to laugh again, to feel that it is alright to breathe in something besides heavy air...there is still that nagging sense of loss, but now it is tempered with an understanding of things...putting myself back together and getting back out there has changed what makes me me...of course I'm not the full puzzle all put together yet, but there are fewer pieces missing now...although, i suspect one piece will never find its way back....

there is an enormous sense of gratitude running through my life right now....i am grateful for everything around me and even for those things that aren't anymore...

"can't you see that a breeze is just a change in pace, and money can't buy my soul because it comes from a hard earned place..."

minefields

2009-06-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

as lightly as i've been stepping, i've still managed to hit a tripwire...sometimes its just better to not know what is really going through people's heads and other times it is quite the opposite...i understand things a bit better now and many more things seem appropriate...just remember, you cannot take back words....

its easy to be petty and cruel, but it takes real strength to be kind....

no matter what, i still believe....

the inevitable will always happen, no matter how much you don't want it to

2009-06-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

one of the most important lessons I have gleaned from the last few years of my life is that I have learned to give up control on some level...I used to want to reign over even the littlest detail of my days so as to make sure that they were exactly where I wanted them to be...everything in its right place and all that...but as life in general has shown me, that is an almost pointless endeavor, and one that I have loosened up on a bit...no matter how hard I have pressed, pushed, and forced my way upon the dominoes of my day, they just seem fall wherever appropriate...everyone keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason, while I do believe that to some extent, if one more person says it to me I am going to hit them in the throat with a fucking hammer just so they can't repeat themselves in presence again...alas, I feel that my almost insane hatred of hearing this phrase stems from my not wanting to believe in its full and truthful potential...the tides are turning on that however....I do not understand the rhyme or reason behind the events of my life in the last few years, but what I do understand is that they have all brought me to this critical juncture in what would loosely be termed "my life"....while I cannot fully reconcile the walls falling down over the last few months, I have resigned myself to just trust in the fact that if it is meant to be, then it will be and that now whatever happens, is not up to me anymore, it is up to providence...I only hope she is a tab kinder to me than I have been to myself....

i only wanted...

2009-06-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

I only wanted to shield you from the hollow things I went through...from the next mornings of confusion and regret...from the nights you can't remember and the things you did in those nights that will stay with you forever...from the long hours of life that would be much better filled with love and the heartbeat of someone else who was there for you...from the times when you need someone and there is no one there...from all the things that nearly drug me down in life...I only wanted to protect that golden heart I could hear beating when I laid my head on your chest...to keep you safe, to keep you flying, and to keep you smiling...to show you how beautiful you are and to show you how much in life you deserve...

forgive me for those things...i should not have held on to the tail of your kite...

i guess i was being selfish....

but then again, I guess true love is sometimes....

don't be sad

2009-05-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

people always talk about making sure you remember things, but lately it has been the things that I have forgotten that have given me the most pleasure....I have been surrounded by the sheer delight of re-discovering these things again...uncontrollable laughing, raging humor, poignant discourses, and lastly the complete self assurance of being just fine where you are...I'm lucky that these parts of me have been revived, for a moment there I felt myself drifting down the black oil, but alas, I have managed to swim to the shore of somewhere familiar and yet completely different than I recall...I think I can approach it all with a fresh set of eyes, but there is still some of that old spark there...after all, its too hard to discard the life I once knew....

I will be cheering a friend on tonight....and I will make sure that my voice is the loudest in the crowd....

I think my heart is finally ready to chat with me again after I put it in such peril. Welcome back dear one, I've missed you.

back out to sea

2009-05-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

i spent the first part of the day today on the phone with one of my oldest friends...as she was lamenting the passage of what she considers to be her youthful enthusiasm for forging new friendships I was a bit distracted by my own selfish notions...I couldn't help but think of a time right when I finished college...I had taken off to travel the world and make myself more than I thought I was at the time...the memory that bubbled to the surface was of one night in a hotel in brasov romania, I had just returned from a beer festival that my friends and I had searched out with much zeal and successfully found after stumbling upon a public execution....I had left without telling anyone and returned to my room to enjoy a very hot bath...while in the tub and swilling from a bottle of what was later determined to be local moonshine, I realized that in that moment I was different, in just the span of that day I had become a different man than the one I woke up as....right then and there I vowed to myself to drown all my previous selves in that foreign hotel bathtub and emerge as a whole new kind of creature, something fresh and ready for a challenge...maybe it was just me making up my mind to be something different or maybe it was being surrounded by the spirits of departed gypsys, either way, I stepped out onto the freezing tiled floor as a scared and profoundly different man....for some reason, today, while listening to my friend on the phone, I felt like that man again...my belief in newness and re-birth was once again begging for a place in my perception and at this point why would I deny my eager eyes?...and since there was not an old hotel bathtub near, I walked out into the soothing downpour that was present at the time, and washed myself clean of the things that I felt would haunt me in the coming years....no more saddness, no more rage, no more envy, no more yearning, and no more chemicals...after waving goodbye to these departing chains I emerged soaking wet and almost as new as the day I cried for the first time...I feel like the old river I used to know and sail is gone, and the one in its place is wild, undiscovered, and full of faster currents....I don't yet know this man who came in from the storm, but I look forward to getting to know him and seeing his potential....

an exciting time to be bored

2009-05-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

after much internal debate on my decision to come back to louisiana, I received a positive confirmation of sorts over this fine holiday weekend...in re-connecting with people I love here and the way of life that I had all but turned my back on, I have re-discovered a lot of the things that I love about this place....I will confess that having the support system around me in recent months has been something I can't be more grateful for....everyone has let me just be shitty and reminded me that more often than not in life, you cannot be ready for something if you haven't learned all the things on your own you need to learn, and apparently, I am not through learning either....yesterday while floating down the river and discussing the finer points of pop art with my friend James, I felt a sense of calm for the first time in quite a while. I think I have been focusing so much on those rivers I can't cross, instead of just floating down them until I find a spot at which I can finally get across...something so silly as drinking mexican beer in a filthy river with a friend and discussing pop art can really fill in some blanks....

for some reason I have been fielding the question a lot lately of my interest in dating again...maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned when it comes to these things, but it boggles my mind that people are even thinking that I am entertaining the idea of doing that right now....seriously, have you missed how sad the last month a half has been for me?....I would never do myself or someone else the diservice of rushing back into that sort of thing...how unfair would that be?....yes, while nursing what I believe to be my first true broken heart, I would LOVE to kick it with a new fella/lady, what a stellar idea, not so much....I feel like I am going to honor myself, my recent relationship, and my easy heart by being alone with just myself for quite a while....maybe one day I will have the stamina for that sort of thing again, but as far into the near future as I can see, it will be no one else, but me....

this week I will be getting my new tattoos...2 at once...a rather lofty endeavor I feel...hammers on my chest and Da Vinci's "the virtuous man" rather large on my left side....pain, pain, pain....but through that pain will be constant reminders of me and the growth I have left to do in this world...the last few years have changed me, made me better, made me worse, made me different and I am determined to take those things and make a better version of me out of them...and hopefully one day, I will be a virtuous man....

good night.
d

in a moment

2009-05-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

i'm settling back into life...everyday is different for me now, full of different feelings and experiences...i have sort of dropped off the face of the earth as far as social things are concerned, which for me is good, it is helping me to re-focus and really get ready for what comes next...the days are easier than they were, but there is still a pretty urgent sense of loss...i cannot wait for the day that leaves me...it still astonishes me the amount of emotion i have towards you, and suprisingly, most of it still comes from a good place...i guess thats what happens when you actually do love someone for real...i am running all the time...i have dropped 12 lbs in the last month and my clothes are huge...my frustrations and pain have been taken out on treadmills and pushups...if I am going to hurt, i'm going to get something good out of it damn it....

i'm taking steps toward the stars...literally...

for now I am taking steps out the door.

love,
d

A wounded man needs some time to heal.

2009-05-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

So I am home after a quick trip to Denver to pack my place and drive it all back here to Louisiana. It was a difficult day for me packing up my belongings and driving away from there, however, I believe it was time to move on. I stayed there for 2 1/2 years and learned an incredible amount about myself and about life. Now I will take those things and make my world even better. I will admit to still suffering from a sense of loss over the events of the last month, but I know that in my heart I have nothing but good wishes and love towards all that. I hope you find the letter I left you.

Now that I have returned I am adopting an attitude of seeing just how much better of a person I can make myself, both physically and internally. I plan to give back to the world and to myself. I feel like I am amazingly lucky to have my health, friends, and family, which makes me a hell of a lot better off than a lot of people, so it is high time I start reflecting that. I may be going through a very debilitating heartbreak, but I feel like the best way to get through it is to just use it to power progression in life. The only way out of this hurt is to just get through it, and when I get to the other side I plan on being a hell of a lot better of a man because of it.

Also, I am traveling a bit coming up. Puerto Rico is going to be amazing and it will be nice to be back in Rome for a bit.

I am going to end this by sending out a big thank you to all those people who have let me into their lives and hearts over the last few years. You have all shaped me for better or worse, but in the end you were all different lights in the sky that I needed to know. Thank you.

sweet
dreams.
-d

Driving across the country

2009-04-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I will have one day to pack up the last 2 1/2 years of my life in a few simple boxes and move them across the country to be put into a nicely climate controlled area that will take good care of my belongings until I see fit to need them again. Turning the page on the last few years is not something I am taking lightly. They have indeed been formative, albeit traumatic, years. I have learned so much from living thousands of feet in the air. I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible, both personally and professionally. So many things are so radically different inside of and around me since I first set foot in Denver. I went through a sort of farce that I considered to be love and then I learned what true love felt like. Then I learned what it felt like when that true love didn't love me anymore. I am walking away knowing that I have a lot more to give the world than I ever gave myself credit for and I am also leaving knowing that now, I am willing to give it. In the last year I have learned that speaking and doing from the heart is always the best bet, I won't get all self help here, but it is the truth. I truly wish my last experience in Denver would have worked out differently as I don't think that kind of thing comes along often in life, and by "that kind of thing" I mean loving someone more than you ever really thought possible. Its times like this where you wish the last thing you said wasn't an angry rant, but maybe something a bit more poignant like "the universe is a better place for having someone as amazing as you in it", but we all fall victim to the moment and to irrationality, myself included. Alas that is something I may never get to say face to face, but I am silently sending it out across the distance to you, wherever you are. I think I can sum my feelings about that situation up with a favorite quote: "of all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these; it might have been". Good luck and godspeed Beautiful.

Now begins the arduous task to re-visiting the path I've chosen to take. I've spent the last few weeks running (literally running around lakes everywhere) and trying to make heads or tails of the last few weeks. It is truly astonishing how the path you were so clearly on before and drop off a cliff in less than a day. I don't know whats more devastating, the unborn possibilities ahead of me or the ones that have just died right behind me.

All I know is that I have and have had the best intentions in the world towards everyone and everything over the last few years and that will not change. I owe the world that much at least.

good.night.